


If I Think About You, Will You Think About Me?

by penitence_road



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, Mental Instability, Needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:58:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penitence_road/pseuds/penitence_road
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after he runs away from home, Kariya tries to keep in touch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Think About You, Will You Think About Me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Erin_C](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erin_C/gifts).



 

Aoi-san, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I—

 

 

 

 

1984, February

Aoi-san—

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I was leaving.  I found out something terrible at Byakuya’s wedding about that bastard Zouken’s plans and I couldn’t stay.  But I think you’d be proud of me—I didn’t just run away.  I confronted him and told him I wouldn’t do it; I’d fight him every inch.  He must have believed me—he told me to never let him see me again, and that’s fine with me.  I’d rather starve than ever go back.  But I’m sorry I had to go without getting a chance to see you.

I’m going to Tokyo.  Byakuya said I was being an idiot, but he gave me a bit of money.  I’ll find somewhere to stay.  I’ll make it work, and anyway it can’t be worse than home.  I’ll write to you as soon as I can.

From me, Kariya

 

 

1984, July

Aoi-san—

Things aren’t going so well in Tokyo.  The money didn’t last very long, and no one wants to hire a kid like me who doesn’t know a trade.  It makes me so angry—what good is magecraft really doing for the world, anyway?  What does it really matter?  It’s all just power that destroys peoples’ lives, and what’s the _point_ of that?  I look around here and see happy families everywhere, and part of me wants to just—

I’m sorry.  Being from the Matou really messes people up, Aoi-san.  Thanks for sticking by me all those years.  You’re the reason I had strength to leave.  I don’t want to worry you, so I’ll write again when things are better.  Don’t worry—I’ll stick it out, and I’m sure things’ll get better soon.

From Kariya

 

 

1984, August

Aoi-san—

Finally some good luck!  I met someone a few days ago who’s letting me stay with him.  His name’s Matsunada Sho and he’s a writer.  He was on assignment in Ethiopia until just recently.  There’s been a famine going on there and his magazine sent him to write something up about it.  He showed me some of his pictures, and—I don’t really think it’s something you should hear about, and it gives me bad memories.  Sorry.

He took me in, I was saying, and he’s showing me how to work his camera.  It’s really interesting!  I’ve never gotten to really hold onto something that modern.  Matsunada-san says next time he has to cover a local story maybe he’ll bring me along and show me how to do real newspaper pictures.  I think maybe he just doesn’t want to leave me alone at his apartment, but I understand how he feels.  I’d probably be careful of me, too.  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that things are finally picking up.  I’m still looking for work, but I feel a lot better about it.  I hope you’re doing well, too.

Kariya

 

 

1985, September

Aoi-san—

Sorry it’s been so long.  It’s been a really busy year for Matsunada-san—the expo, the mine accident, the landslide, that plane crash—it seems like we’ve been running around everywhere.  But it’s great to get to really see the country, even if it’s to take pictures of accidents.  He lets me take most of the pictures now; he says I’ve got a good head for it, and it’s faster that way.  He even taught me how to develop the film, so he has more time for his writing.  The black room—that’s where you develop film; it’s called the black room, but actually all the lights are red so the film doesn’t get overexposed—it gave me some nightmares early on, but they stopped after a few weeks.  I told Matsunada-san they were about the accidents.  I’m not sure if he believes me or not, but he let it go.  I didn’t really see anything on our trips that was worse than home, but—well, obviously I couldn’t tell him about that.

I wish you could have seen the Expo.  There were people there from all over the world, and it really made me think about how behind mages are because they never share anything they know except with their heirs.  They never even think about what humans are coming up with, and some of it’s really impressive.  Actually I kind of wished I could have brought Tokiomi-san too; I thought of him when we saw the Jumbotron.  It was this machine taller than his house that they showed movies on.  I wished I could see the kind of face he’d make when it came on with no warning.

There’s more I want to tell you about, but I don’t have a lot of time right now.  It’s my turn to cook dinner tonight and I don’t think we have anything to cook with.  I’m really doing a lot better, though.  I miss you.  A lot.  But…

Never mind.  I don’t want to be a bother, Aoi-san, not after leaving over what I left over.  Please keep being the wonderful Aoi I remember.

Love, Kariya

 

 

1986, March

Aoi-san, I’m coming home for a visit next month.  Not to the Matou, but to Fuyuki.  Matsunada-san talked me into it.  I’m really looking forward to seeing you again.  I hope you won’t be too mad at me.  I was thinking we could go and look at the cherry trees.  And maybe we could talk some about what we’re doing.  I want to tell you all about Tokyo, especially what it’s like when it’s snowed in like this year.  And—maybe we could talk about us, too?  Well, even if we just talk about the weather, it’ll be good to see you.  I’m really looking forward to it.  Hah, I’m repeating myself.  I’ll stop.  I’ll see you soon, Aoi-san.  
  
From Kariya

 

 

 

 

1986, April

I hope he makes you really happy, Aoi-san.  I really do.  I—

 

 

 

 

 

 

1987, December

  
Aoi-san—  
  
If it’s okay, will you wish me luck?  I wrote up a piece of my own, and I’m going to show Matsunada-san tonight.  It’s just a little thing, local color about the earthquake last week.  I think it’s all the letters to you, Aoi-san.  They have me composing things in my head, and more and more I want to put them down and share them.  I respect Matsuda-san a lot, and I think it’d be great if I could do the kinds of things he does, travelling the world, writing articles that are more than just cut-and-dry facts and talking about the rumor mill.  Someone has to do that kind of writing, I know, but I think his magazine headliners _mean_ more in the long run.  It’s the kind of thing that’s really appealing to me.  Maybe it would help me move on a little bit from where I am now. 

Sorry; that was a little too melancholy.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when Rin was born, but I hope everyone’s doing well.  Does she take after you or Tokiomi?  Do you think it would be all right to make another visit sometime?  I enjoyed seeing you last year.  I can tell you more about life in Tokyo and all the little ways humans live differently from mages.  (There’s a lot more TV.  Sometimes I wonder what a Tokyo housewife would say if someone told her she couldn’t ever watch TV while doing her chores again.  It would probably be pretty scary.  But I wonder if you’d like any of those shows, Aoi-san?)

Anyway, I’m just putting off talking to Matsunada-san, so I’ll stop leaning on you now.  I hope I’ll get to see you again.   Until then,

Kariya

 

 

1988, March

Aoi-san—

It was wonderful to see you and the girls; they’re both really cute.  Rin’s going to have a lot of Tokiomi in her; I can tell.  You must be proud.  I hope that means Sakura will take more after you, though.  I’m glad her birthday is in the same month as mine; next year I’ll come around then and bring her a present.  I guess I should bring presents for both of them, huh?

I’ll be busy for a little while here; now that I’m 18, Matsunada-san wants to get me an apartment of my own, someplace I can afford on newspaper pay.  It won’t be cheap, but I’m always working hard, and he’s got enough contacts that he can always find some work for me if I need it, so it should be fine.  I’ll let you know how it goes. 

From Kariya

 

 

1990, May

Aoi-san—

I’m visiting the International Flower Expo in Osaka and I wish I could bring you to this even more than the technology expo a few years back.  It’s beautiful and peaceful here, even with all the people; you’d love it.  It’s going to be open until the autumn—maybe you and the girls could come visit?  They have flowers from everywhere, things I’ve never even heard of, and hardly a thing wilting anywhere.  It’s more color than I’ve ever seen in my life.  I can’t even think of where I’m going to start writing about it, and I swear I’ve been through four rolls of film already.  Even if you can’t make it, I’ll send you some pictures.  Would you like some seeds too?  They sell packets of them around the exit.  Some of them would look great in your gardens, and Rin should be old enough that she might like trying to plant them, right?  Fuyuki’s probably too wet for lavender, but maybe anemones?  One of the clerks told me that the dahlias would be amazing come summer.  Just let me know. 

From Kariya

 

 

1990, October

Aoi-san—

I’m out in Osaka again, but it’s not so nice a trip this time.  There’s been rioting going on in Airin for four nights running.  People fighting, starting fires—they hole up in bars and stores during the day and get drunk before they go out to protest again at night.  It’s got nothing to do with me personally, but it’s a bad feeling.  There are cameras up on some of the worst streets, and it always feels like you’re being watched.  I thought I’d shaken that, but—I hate that feeling more than anything.  Zouken always watched you like that—watched people like that, like he was recording everything and planning how to use it against you.  I’ve been gone for six years, and suddenly I’m having nightmares again.  I’ll be glad when this is over and I can get back to Tokyo and just do interviews with shopkeepers and politicians for a while.  Even the worst Diet member is still better than Zouken. 

As always thanks for listening, Aoi-san.  I’ll see you and the girls again come spring.

From Kariya

 

 

1991, September

Aoi-san—

Are you and Rin and Sakura all right?  I’m down in Okinawa covering the typhoon aftermath, and it’s such a mess that even though I know Fuyuki didn’t have anything more than some heavy rain from the storms this year it makes me worry.  Try to stay safe if anything comes your way this season.  I don’t think even a magus’ wards could have stopped some of what I’m seeing down here.

From Kariya

 

 

1992, November

Aoi-san—

I’ll be coming for another visit after Christmas.  Tell Rin and Sakura yes, Uncle Kariya will have presents.  I’ve been shopping all over, but I think I found something cute in colors they like.  They’ll flash and light up without having to use magic, just batteries.  They seem very popular with girls right now.  I won’t be too specific in case they’re watching you read.  I’ll have something nice for you, too, so look forward to it.

From Kariya

 

 

1994, June

Aoi-san—

I think there must be something very wrong with me.  I’m in Zaire right now, of all places.  Matsunada-san asked me to come with him to do the photography.  He said even though I do more writing these days, I’m still the most level-headed photographer he knows, and he wanted a cool temper for the kinds of coverage his editor asked for.  He’s here talking to refugees and border patrols all day long and I just feel so empty.  There’s a feeling in the air of—it smells like fear and panic and—and hopelessness, and despair, and—I just can’t connect.  All I can think about is the way my father died, and Byakuya shouting at me about our mother, and Zouken’s hand on my shoulder making me watch his bugs take someone apart.  I was just a kid when I saw that, and now no matter what I see or hear, I can’t raise a fuss over it because every instinct I’ve got says that it’s not a big deal.  I know for them it must be, but it all just feels so naïve.  “At least they don’t have Crest Worms.”  What kind of thing is _that_ to think? 

I want to come see you again, Aoi-san.  Last time I got like this I hesitated because I didn’t want to associate you with those feelings, but…  Right now I don’t know that I’ll feel anything at all until I get to see you and Rin and Sakura again.  I hope it’s not a burden.  I’ll let you know when I’m home again.

Kariya

 

 

1994, August

Aoi-san—

Me and Matsunada-san are finally back.  I still feel a little distant from everything, but better than I did before.  I’d still like to come and see you, though.  You and the girls make me feel better about everything just by being around me.  I’ll be sure to bring presents with me; I hope you won’t mind if they’re just from Tokyo and not my last assignment. 

Kariya

 

 

 

Aoi-san—

Sakura-chan’s—really…  She’s so strong…  Sorry…  I can’t—

Kariya

 

 

 

 

1995, September

Aoi-san—

Sorry it’s been so long.  But I did it.  I made it through the whole year.  I stayed with Sakura the whole time.  It was hard, it was so hard, but we’re both still alive.  You should be proud, Aoi-san.  Sakura’s very strong.  You’d never know about the Crest Worms if you weren’t from the Matou house like me.  I’ll bring her back to you, I swear I’ll bring her back, and then we can all go someplace far away from Zouken and Tokiomi and Fuyuki and we’ll have a normal life, a _normal life._

I’ll bring you flowers every day, like from the expo…   Just wait for us, Aoi-san…

Kariya

 

 

 

 

 

Aoi-san—

I’m going to do it.  I’m really going to do it.  Berserker just drove off Tokiomi’s Servant.  He’s so strong, Aoi-san.  There’s nothing Archer can throw at him that he can’t catch; Archer doesn’t know what he’s up against.  Berserker can—he can change forms, he can use any weapon, no one but me can read him; he’s strong and so fast and he’ll never stop, he can’t stop, even I can barely—

I need to rest, Aoi-san.  Supporting him in battle is—you can’t ever know, but the pain just—goes on and on, it seems like it’s never going to stop, like touching live wire and knowing someone else is going to have to step in because you can’t let go on your own.

I can’t let go, Aoi-san.  I can’t—I won’t—I’ll be—

I’m sorry.

Kariya

 

 

Aoi-san—

I wish I had your hands right now.  Steady, never shaking.  It’s not like it hurts, compared to the worms, but—

—nng—

—but it would make things easier.  You see I can’t eat solid food anymore, so—get in there, get _in_ —I have to use other ways.  Injections, tubes, little plastic bags with ingredients I can’t even pronounce in my head.  I’m hiding out in a sewer right now.  I’m sure any nurses I ever met would be horrified, but it’s not like it has to last all that long, you know?  Just a few more days. 

I could go home and let Zouken do this, but I hate the thought of his hands on me even more than him hitting me with the cane, so I do it myself.  That way I can at least imagine you here helping me. 

I’m sorry my body makes it so hard, Aoi-san.  I know it’s getting harder and harder to find a vein, but, like I said, it’s not for much longer.  Try to bear with it, Aoi-san; it’s a lot easier than what me and Sakura-chan are going through.

Kariya

  


 

 

 

Aoi-san—

I’m almost there.  I’m on my way to the Church.  Tokiomi’s going to be there.  I’ll do it this time.  I’ll run through his fires and tear his skin off his bones and force worms down his throat and break his face and his hands and his pride and his magic and everything I’ll do it myself this time, no magic, no pride, just revenge for everything he did to you and Sakura-chan.

No magic.

No pride.

I’ll do it.

I swear.

I’m here.

Kariya

 

 

 

 

Aoi-san—

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aoi-san—

I’m so sorry it went like this.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Please—

It won’t be much longer.  Tokiomi’s—he’s out, out of the war.  There’re only a few Servants left.  It’s almost done. 

It’s almost done, and then I can stop, and come and be with you, right?

Right, Aoi-san? 

…Hey, Aoi-san, can you hear me?

Hey, Aoi-san…  Did you _ever_ hear me? 

Aoi-san? 

Aoi-san?! 

Aoi—!

hgh!  aghk!  ahh!  Aoi!  _Aoi!_

**_Aoi!!!_ **

…Hey, Aoi… 

Maybe… 

Did you— _never_ hear me…?

 

 

 

Aoi—

I’m sorry.  This’ll be the last time I talk to you.  I’m losing—everything.  I can only keep one thing, and it needs to be Sakura-chan.  We both know that, right?  So I’m saying goodbye, so I can focus on her. 

I love you, Aoi.  I always did. 

Goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sakura-chan—

I’m coming.

Kariya

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> For Erin_C, whose request letter about Kariya got me thinking about him even when it wasn't what we were matched on. There were a ton of good ideas in her letter, and I went with an idea that I hoped would at least touch on several of them, as well as fulfilling the more general gist that fluff or darkfic were both okay. I wanted to write something that, while starting out as fairly innocuous, is gradually revealed to be coming from a much less mentally stable place than it first appears, giving a second read-through an entirely different emotional tenor. So, Happy Yuletide, Erin_C! Hope you enjoyed it!


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